Today

Well, actually it began yesterday with me noticing my belly being noticeably smaller. I went on through the evening willing myself to feel the baby moving and couldn't confirm what I felt. By this morning, my belly was evidently smaller.

When my mom came to pick me up to take me to the store for some last minute things for Thanksgiving as T has my van today, I told her that I hated to ask her but would she please take me for an u/s as I didn't think the baby was alive anymore. Before going further, he/she IS alive but here is the rest of the story.

I called a place and asked them to confirm my suspicions and they said no. My mom and I talked about me going to my regular doc since I don't have anyone yet (I had made an appt. for Friday for my first appt. but obviously planned to cancel that appt.) I decided he probably wouldn't help me since he doesn't deliver babies. Then we decided even further not to go to their office as once they passed me off to an OB, I would be hounded to "get it all over with." Can't handle that. So we decided to go to the hosp. We went to labor/delivery and talked with a nurse. She got us another nurse that asked me 110 questions about whether I have 49 different std's or health problems after they had me take off all my garments and wear that excuse of a gown. Then they had me wait. And wait. And wait. It was torturous but my mom was excellent about talking with me to sorta distract me and yet not disregarding why we were there. She was wonderfully amazing! So the nurse finally talked with a doctor and she said they would do an u/s. Then she started telling me all the bloodwork I needed to have. Then they said it would be 30 minutes before I would go down to u/s. I requested a simple test done on the floor to determine an answer as I had already been there so long. She said she wasn't qualified. It was all the TESTIMONY I could muster to tell her that *I* was qualified to see whether the baby was alive or not. God held my tongue. As we prepared to leave, my mom asked if someone could just check with a Doppler. Initially, my heart sank. I didn't want them to try and not find one and me leave with a living baby unknowingly even though I didn't think that was the case. I didn't want her NOT to find it and me know w/o seeing the baby that he/she had died. All that flood of emotion and then it was gone. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. As she tried to locate the baby, I prayed a Hannah prayer --like babbling, but not-- begging and begging God for this child and then...and then...is it? I grabbed the nurse's arm and held onto it. I began to weep! I covered my face and bawled! I am thankful that Baby is still alive!! I pleaded and begged God that I would hear a beating heart and that Baby is alive. You coulda heard me down the hallway bawling and bawling and praising the Lord again and again with joy over this child. I knew it but I couldn't be quiet! Oh what thankfulness my heart has to God! We rejoice! Amazing is His grace!

So, Happy Thanksgiving!